I’m learning that discovery of the true self and discovery of God are intimately linked; you can’t find One without the other. If I had things my way I would take out discovery of self all together. Mustering up the courage to dig around in the broken, ugly places is difficult at best and quite often borderline torturous. Theoretically beneath all the mess I will find the unique, lovable, beautiful woman God already sees, but right now the lies have the upper hand. I’ve spent 30 years with these lies; they’ve been my truth as long as I can remember. They’ve sustained me and brought me comfort when reality was too much to bear. But things have changed. I’ve changed. The lies can’t contain all of who I am anymore, or all that I was created to be. The perfect world that I so carefully crafted is crumbling around me, and frankly, I’m still learning how to navigate this new reality.
It would be easy for me to share part of my journey here. To share only the good parts, or the neat and tidy parts; the parts I have figured out. But I think that’s how I wound up here in the first place. I’ve spent the last 10 years coming up with ways to share only the neatly packaged parts of myself. I’ve mastered the art of false vulnerability. If I only share the weaknesses and flaws I’m certain you’ll identify with, or have compassion for, or those I think I actually have a handle on… well, that’s not vulnerability at all, is it? That’s self-protection. That’s my false-self manipulating your care and concern. That’s me creating a new mask. No. I can’t do that.
And yet there’s a line to be walked. The line between honest self-expression and safe community. I would be naïve to think the only people to stumble across this site will be the loved ones I’ve specifically invited to join me in my mess. So as a bit of a disclaimer, All Things Grow will serve to help me sort through this mess, weed through the rabbit trails of thought and confusion, and (hopefully) through the processing lead me (and maybe others) closer to Jesus. If you, as someone who cares about me, would like to dive further or deeper into any subject posted here, please consider this an open invitation to ask the tough questions.
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